12 Steps in Adultery

Here's some helpful gear to help my married friends fight against the slide into adultery.

One of our lecturers at college presented a version of this material, From Temptations Men Face, By Tom L. Eisenman, Chapter 4: Affairs. I've done some very minor editing to take some of the American flavour out, tweaked the definition of adultery, and added the Sting reference. (Thanks to an old college oz-tag friend, Dan Webster, for finding this material for us today). 

It was aimed at those of us working in pastoral ministry, but I wonder if this stuff is helpful to many of us in many different circumstances. I think it's especially helpful for blokes.

The lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil;  but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.  Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.

DEFINITIONS:

• Adultery – Sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse.
• Adulterous Affair – an intense emotional, social and physical involvement with someone other than your spouse.
• Obsession – When there is an intense emotional preoccupation coupled with repeated sexual encounters, the affair becomes an obsession – those involved are often willing to throw away their career, their reputation, their family and deny their faith to keep the relationship. The classic example is 39-year-old King David, obsessed with Bathsheba (Read their story in 2 Samuel 11 of the Bible. Sting also wrote a song based on this story; 'Mad about you'). 
• Deceit, Rationalization and Denial – These are the three internal enemies that are present in virtually every affair, and eventually work to alter your sense of reality.  You deceive when you must cover your tracks (“Perfect. I’m staying four days for a three-day conference.”).  Rationalizing is giving acceptable reasons for unacceptable behaviour (“ Isn't it wonderful that God has given me two wonderful men to love.”).  Denial, or self-denial, is our intense refusal to recognize the truth about our thoughts, feelings and actions to ourselves (“This is just a Platonic relationship; it’ll all be over soon.”).

THE TWELVE STEPS IN AN AFFAIR

Counsellors have found 12 steps that usually occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an affair:

1. Readiness:  Some people are “an affair waiting to happen” due to societal pressures (promiscuity is good, affairs are healthy and natural), the condition of the marriage (roughest typically with unresolved tensions at 2 years, 7 years, mid-life and empty nest), and personal struggles (poor parental role models, self-indulgence, hatred of feeling trapped, poor self-image, depression, mid-life crisis).
2. Awareness of Another:  He has a growing awareness of a particular person in his web of relationships.  Occasional thoughts turn to fantasy.  He may get photos of her in a group, but focus on her in his thoughts.
3. Innocent Meetings:  At church or business functions, he may engage in some light flirting or prolonged eye contact, or use enticing body language.
4. Intentional Meeting:  They come up with ways to “run into each other” if he knows where she normally is at a given time.
5. Public Lingering: While in group settings, they avoid eye contact with others and converse about personal history, interests and struggles.  Others might start to pick up something unusual in their level of interest in each other.  Denial and rationalization grow strong at this point.
6. Private Lingering:  After others have left, their conversations move to discussing private and personal areas, and they express their care for each other.  The excitement level spikes.
7. Purposeful Isolating:  They come up with “legitimate” reasons to meet and talk.  The spouse will notice an increase in errands or things to do at work, and a decrease in verbal communication; he becomes cool, distant and almost formal in his relating, and blames it on stress.  Deceit grows strong at this point.
8. Pleasurable Isolating: They plan times alone just for the enjoyment of being together, normally in a public place but some distance away.  They have a youthful euphoria combined with deceit, rationalization and denial.  There is more romance, more touching, and a deep sharing of souls.  Family and coworkers will notice blocks of time not accounted for.  The spouse begins to wonder.
9. Affectionate Embracing:  The longing for each other becomes intense.  There is playful caressing, tickling, wrestling … and a corresponding drop in any physical interest in the spouse.
10. Passionate Embracing:  The passion builds.  If alcohol or drugs are involved, the couple will move quickly through these stages.
11. Capitulation:  The couple gives in to sexual intercourse.  Denial is eliminated at this stage.  They can’t deny what they've done at this point. 
12. Acceptance:  The couple will struggle for a bit.  They’ll normally admit to each other that they’re having an affair and make a decision whether to continue or not, but guilt seldom breaks off the relationship; they've been overpowering their consciences all along.

IS THE GRASS REALLY GREENER?

James Dobson said, “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.”  Some affairs can’t survive the fallout of being discovered, going through separations, counseling, divorce, loss of child custody, but most affairs usually do.  They will typically cope by moving away and starting life from scratch.  The kids struggle to understand this; they are the smallest of the shattered pieces.  When the excitement wears off, the couple is forced to live real life again.  There is terrible guilt and, of course, the fear that in a little while, their companion will have an affair with someone else.  Over 80% of second marriages fail.

FIGHTING TO PRESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Pray often about this issue.  Ask God to help you with your thought life, help you keep your marriage relationship strong, and help you avoid the immoral woman (Proverbs 2:16-17, 5:3-4, 5:15-21).
2. Communicate often with your spouse.  Unresolved conflicts (you don’t “win” arguments; you resolve them) and busyness can destroy communication.  Purposefully make time to talk.  After dinner, take time to gush about the day, the feelings, pressures and tensions.  Talk about the future to align your expectations.  Talk about how to keep improving your relationship and your sex life.
3. Get alone and do fun things together.  The two of you should go out once per week (or per month if the budget demands), and go on a 2-3 day getaway once a year without the kids.  Keep the mystery; plan a surprise getaway.
4. Talk to your wife about what is proper when relating to the opposite sex.  What touch or aloneness is appropriate?  Does this vary from woman to woman?  Women have radar with each other; a woman knows when someone is interested in her man.
5. Remember to avoid the steps in the affair process.  Be strict and honest with yourself.  Are you at one of the stages now?  What thoughts must you bring captive?  What behaviors must you alter?
6. Guard your gauges and know your level of weakness.  Most men fall into adultery when they are spiritually drained, emotionally exhausted and physically worn out, often even when their marriages are fine.
7. Work on your appearance for your spouse’s sake.  All bodies change shape and density as the years go by.  Love your spouse’s soul, because their body will take a dive.  Notice that a person who starts to have an affair becomes very appearance conscious – like back in high school or uni.  Why?  They’re trying to attract someone.  Why not do that as spouses?  Continue to date your spouse and try to attract her!
8. Watch out for the mid-life crisis.  Men experience this phenomenon differently.  It is basically a time, typically in a man’s forties, when he:

·         Believes he is no longer attractive to younger women;

·         Questions his identity, who he really is;

·         Questions whether he has accomplished anything meaningful in life, or at least, accomplished the goals he set early in his career;

The crisis can kick in very quickly.  A teenage girl points to him and says to her friend, “That’s your boyfriend” and they both look sick and laugh hysterically.  Or the interesting jobs at work are being given to the young guys “who will really do something.”  Or his kids grow up and move away, and he is no longer the centre of his family’s life.  Should he have spent more time with them rather than at the stupid office? 

Proper evaluation leads to being a more focused man in your 50s and 60s.  Improper understanding leads a man to seek a younger woman (he is very susceptible to flattery), imitate youthful appearance, change jobs and seek adventure to escape the meaningless, mundane life he had before he became an “old person.”

An open letter to Guy Sebastian

What would be a good response by Christians to Guy Sebastian's recent comments about his faith?

Here's a pretty winsome attempt by a friend of mine, Nathan Campbell. Well done bro-cous!

The Bible for Christian bloggers

Here's a helpful article a friend from church sent me, for Christians to think about how we're communicating online. By a bloke called Bryan Chappell.

I like a lot of his points. But I especially like how he just seems to be applying the principles of godly character that we Christians are to exhibit in all conversations, not just online.

Here is an especially challenging bit for Christian bloggers. He captures a point I feel pretty strongly about now, having been guilty of this a lot in my time:

Responsibilities for Bloggers

...A blogger may contend that he or she is not responsible for what others say in such open forums. But this defense can be compromised by the blogger's self-interests. At sites known for their edginess, shutting down or refereeing incendiary comments may damage the popularity of the blog.

The "cock-fight fascination" that draws visitors to religious controversy creates ethical pressures for Christian bloggers who believe they best fulfill their mission by garnering more attention for their point of view. The Bible calls them to seek peace, but they have to multiply controversy (or allow commenters to do so) in order to keep their blog visitable and viable (Rom 12:18; Heb 12:14-15).

We will not have means to navigate these issues unless we again agree that the Bible applies in the blogosphere (Ps 24:1). With that agreement, we can examine biblical responsibilities that we personally assume when we post on the internet.

The biblical ethic that primarily should bind us is not maximizing pageviews but faithfulness. If faithfulness should require our failure to succeed in worldly terms, then loyalty to heaven's priorities demands that we fail rather than disregard Scripture.

Why federal politics is getting worse but will get better

Why is Australian federal politics so bad at the moment?

Many years ago I read an article on the Palestinian-Israeli issue that asked why that terrible situation remains perpetually mired in a downward spiral of armed conflict. The provocative answer put forward was simple: no-one has won. After years of conflict, no-one has lost. No one has overcome. No-one has been defeated. And there's nothing like swallowing the bitter pill of defeat to make one side submit to the power (if not legitimacy) of the other. It's a dark thesis. And a damning insight into the true nature of humanity.

In Australian federal politics at the moment, the only thing that seems certain about it's grubby state of affairs is that it can't possibly get any worse. But of course it can and it will. Because no-one has won. No-one won the last election. No-one has been defeated. And after 2 years of conflict, no-one has lost either. It's like we're still in campaign mode. No-one has overcome. And no-one has been made to swallow the bitter pill of defeat. Power doesn't reside with one side; neither does legitimacy. For us, a hung parliament is only a recipe for unceasing and ever-more degrading conflict.

But that's where the similarities end. Our parliament might be plumbing new depths - but at least our leaders aren't using machine guns, tanks, pipe-bombs or ripcords. Our problems are incomparable to the destructive force of that conflict on the other side of the world. Where real 'barrages' and real 'withering attacks' only really destroy.

Now words too can be destructive, of course - but not only destructive. Whereas the conflict in the middle-east seems without end, in a year or so our leaders will order writs for another election. And they'll draw ink, not blood, in doing so. Then one side will win. The other will lose. One will enjoy the sweet taste of victory, the other the bitterness of defeat. And that's when Australian federal politics will get better.
Because someone has won.

Sarah's touring!

In a few days Sarah will be off to tour Australia - every capital city on the mainland - as a backing vocalist for Stuart Townend. I think the order is Sydney, BrisVegas, Perth, Adelaide and Melbourne.

You can check out the details here (although several concerts are already sold out!) I understand she might be leading a few new EMU music songs too. But we'll wait and see.

Here's Sarah singing at an EMU Music conference back in 2005. She'd given birth to one of our sons only a few weeks before this gig in Sydney (I got to cradle him in my arms that night). What an amazing woman.

This time, our latest little blessing will be over 4 months old. But still young enough to need to be where Sarah is. So he gets to go too. And of course he'll need a babysitter while Sarah's working.....!

Getting excited.

My Spring holiday Reading review

Well, my Spring holidays are finished. And so are several books. Which were good? Which were bad? Which were gold?

Here's a brief summary.

Danny the Champion of the World, by Roald Dahl. 
3.5 stars. 

Immensely enjoyed reading this to one of my sons at bedtime. We finished in the final week of school last term. The final chapter is simply called 'My father'. Without revealing the ending, that's a fair summary of what this book is about. I'd recommend it to dads to read to their sons at bedtime - great for cultivating the imagination of a 7 year old. And for building your relationship with your boy.

On a final note, it's interesting that such a book was written by Roald Dahl. A genius storyteller as a man who had a less than ideal boyhood. He lost his Dad when he was only 3. Just weeks after losing a sister. As my Uncle once said to me, "We live with our childhood every day."

Going the Distance: How to Stay Fit for a Lifetime of Ministry
by Peter Brain. 
4 stars. 

Also finished this in the last week of last term. Went through a few chapters each week with our trainees at church (and some other staff). Part of their training in 'Theological Reflection'.

You can check out my other posts on this book here. Going through it slowly over a whole term has been exceedingly beneficial. And discussing each chapter with friends. Lots of gold in here to be revisited frequently for those in full-time pastoral work.

The only two critical comments I could make are that some of the illustrations and applications are now dated (rendered obsolete by rapid technological change since it was first written) and that the author, quite understandably, is writing from an Anglican perspective. Some bridging in application is needed if you're a minister in a different Christian church (like my Presbyterian denomination).

The Hunger Games, books 1 and 2, by Suzanne Collins
3.5 stars. 

It's about time I finally got into these, since so many friends recommended them. So these holidays I sat around and read the first 2. WOAH! Fast and furious. Adventurous. Great fun. Dark. And Roman - so very Roman.

The world's made up of 12 provinces ('Districts') all under the heel of 'The Capitol'. 'Tributes' are sent from each district to this capital each year, which is a shining light in a barbaric world. The tributes enter in chariots, are placed in an 'arena' and must fight to the death. It's all very imperial, right down to the Roman names the author drops in ('Seneca' is the Head Gamemaker; 'Venia, Flavia and Octavia' are the heroine's attendants). Of course, the most barbaric place in this fictional world turns out to be at the very heart of the empire.

There're some nice dofts of the hat to Western culture - her great act of ultimate rebellion involves her taking fruit to eat (as well as giving some to her man...) - and there're some subtle critiques too: the shallow, materialistic privileged who live as economic parasites off the poorer peoples of the world; the obsession with spin; the idolatry of perception; the gluttony of the rich.

There's a very cutting line in book 2 about the so-called power of the empire... so 'powerful' just a few berries could bring it all undone. Ouch.

Looking forward to Sarah grabbing the third from the library.

Preaching without Notes, by Joseph M. Webb
4 stars. 

Enjoyed reflecting on preaching while being dislocated from work. A highly provocative book. The title's accurate. He gives 3 main reasons for preaching without notes (not to be confused with preaching without preparation!)

1) To maximise connectedness.
2) To maximise participation.
3) To reflect authentic witness.

It's essentially a 'how-to' book that first has a significant chunk devoted to an apology for his cause. I found his arguments compelling.

The central critique from the author is directed at the obsession we have as preachers to read manuscripts. He quotes:

As to delivery itself, reading is of necessity less effective, and in most cases immensely less effective, for all of the great purposes of oratory, than speaking. Greater coldness of manner is almost inevitable. If one attempts to be very animated or pathetic it will look unnatural. The tones of voice are monotonous, or have a forced variety. The gestures are almost always unnatural, because it is not natural to gesticulate much in reading and they scarcely ever raise us higher than to feel that really this man reads almost like speaking. (p. 20)

11 reflections on 2 years of being a Pastor

After a whole 2 years as a Pastor, I've been reflecting on some of the things I've been learning. I realise that may sound ridiculous (just 2 years?) but I've got some. So I'm going to list them.

Here're a few tentative reflections:

1) A pastor's job can be the best and worst possible job in the world. At the same time.

2) The best ministry I've done has been an expression of the ministry God has been doing in me. The worst ministry I've done has been an expression of the ministry I am doing for myself.

3) The single, biggest inhibitor to the growth of any ministry are the self-deceptions of those leading it.

4) Intellect does not equal godliness. Nor lack of it. In fact, intellect is no barometer of godliness at all. Some of the smartest people I've met are some of the most foolish. And same with some of the less-intellectually-able people I've met. And vice versa. I hope that makes sense...

5) Lots of people ask to be told the truth in one-on-one conversations. But few really want to hear it.

6) Self-discipline is the single, biggest lack among us pastors.

7) Most of the time, when we think we are finally beginning to ask ourselves the really tough questions, we are barely scratching the surface.

8) Pastoral work can be incredibly isolating. But it can also be incredibly refreshing.

9) Pastors are always dealing with some people for whom 'they are the best of times' and with some for whom 'they are the worst of times'. On any given day you can be dealing both with people of tremendous grief and amazing joy. Changing gears suddenly can be difficult. Exhilarating. Sometimes both.

10) One struggle for a pastor is to be relationally differentiated and personally integrated as a man following Jesus; whereas the constant temptation of his work is to relationally disengage (or overengage) and personally compartmentalise.

11) Perception is not reality. Despite the overwhelming testimony of our culture, reality always trumps perception in the long term. Now, perhaps more than ever, man looks at outward appearances. The pressure for pastors to do the same is incredible. But God looks at the heart.

Where do I stand on gay marriage?

Last week discussions began in our federal parliament over amendments to the Marriage Act.

A number of different bills were introduced to legislate, in one form or another, gay marriage. Despite the main bills being defeated, it is an issue which may or may not have run it's course here in Australia. I suspect the issue will remain with us for some time yet.

So where do I stand?

Well, as a Minister of the Presbyterian Church of Queensland (PCQ) I think this letter reflects my position. It was sent by PCQ to our Prime Minister, Ms Julia Gillard, last week. It was drafted by a colleague, friend and brother-in-Christ, then edited by several colleagues of ours - ministers and other thoughtful members of the denomination. Together we form the new GiST ('Gospel in Society Today') team of PCQ.


According to the rules of the church the letter was approved and then signed by both the Clerk and Moderator of  the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church of Queensland. It was also sent to the Opposition Leader, Mr Tony Abbott.

I am hopeful that this letter accurately reflects the actual view of most PCQ ministers now - not just the official view of our Assembly.

* GBLTI standing for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex.

10 questions I want to ask every morning

Holidays are great for personal reflection if I discipline myself to not think about work. These holidays I've been pondering the one thing I want to really nail this coming term. I've decided I want to ask myself 10 questions each morning when I get up, as I am reading the Bible, praying and journalling my prayers.

Here's the draft list:

1) What attribute of God is worthy of my adoration in this passage of the Bible?

2) What sin do I need to confess at this moment?

3) Thinking through the day ahead, what area of my life do I need to most ask for God's grace in?

4) How is Jesus the ultimate example of this attribute of God, the ultimate solution for this sin and the ultimate source of this grace?

5) Reflecting on yesterday, what was one thing God was wanting me to learn from the unexpected interactions I had with people?

6) Thinking about the conversations I have scheduled for today, where might Jesus be wanting me to put the old man inside to death, and to grow in the new?

7) Who is 1 old friend I will ring today?

8) Who will I write a letter to today, and how might I best encourage them?

9) Who will I pray for now, and how will I pray for them?

10) As husband and father, what is the one thing I can do today to lead and bless my family in a way that changes their lives for the better?

It's a big list. And ambitious. (Probably too ambitious of course, but that's nothing new).
What do you think?

I hope to keep finetuning it over this week last week of holidays.

Quade Cooper and an American's take on Rugby

I've come back from holidays in the Australian bush to discover that Quade Cooper has had a brain explosion and made a goose of himself again. It's a shame - such a talented young guy with so much potential. He obviously needs some good men as mentors in his life. I'm not sure that that Nasser bloke is the right choice though.

Anyway, just before we hit the frog and toad a week ago, a mate of mine sent me this link:
An American's take on rugby

It's classic. A view from a complete outsider on something we get really passionate about when we're on the inside. It made me wonder what newcomers to church think when they come in for the first time.

A warning about the language. And that any disparaging comments about Quade Cooper may be deleted... he is the five-eighth for the Reds, after all.

For now.

What was Creek Road's 'Community Connect'?

Real Love: Where is it? This was our theme for Creek Road’s 'Community Connect' week, held in the June-July school holidays. Community Connect is our annual opportunity for the whole church at Creek Road to help the community connect with Jesus. It started on Monday 2nd July & climaxed in our 10:30am church service on Sunday 8th July.

Creek Road had a rich heritage of connecting with our community each winter holidays, but Community Connect 2012 was our first major opportunity to explore the full potential of integrating all the ministries of what we call our ‘Vertical & Horizontal Pathways’: Kids, Youth, Young Adults (Vertical Pathway) & Connect, Grow, Serve (Horizontal Pathway). But we also added that critical component—everyone in the church!

Early in the year we’d asked everyone to clear their calendar, pray for the people they’d invite, and talk to their Growth Group or Ministry Team Leader about how they can serve our community by connecting them to God through Jesus.

 We’re shameless about the purpose of Community Connect: to get outsiders to take their first step through our doors during the week - so they might step through our doors on Sunday. Everything we do during the week points to church on Sunday. Everyone who comes in during the week is invited to church on Sunday. It’s all about getting people in the doors on Sunday – so they can discover REAL love.

Our world says a lot about love. Our neighbours know a lot about love. People in our community have all sorts of ideas about love. But what is love? REAL love? And where can real love really be found? At Community Connect we were showing people the real love seen in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13.

To do this, we ran a series of events and programs catering to real needs in our community. This year we asked all Growth Groups & all Ministry Teams to serve in Community Connect by praying, leading, cleaning, catering, serving coffee, setting up & taking down the auditorium, helping with seminars, childminding for parents, greeting, singing, playing music, ushering, chatting with outsiders & especially in inviting people from our community to Community Connect.

There are 3 main parts to Community Connect: ‘Adults Connect’ through our on-site seminars; ‘Kids and Youth Connect’ through our holiday programs; and ‘Coffee Connect’, held under our front portico, which provided a public place for everyone to connect over good coffee, good books and live music.

Adults Connect seminars included: Peter and Kylie Evans on Building Healthy Marriages, Dr Patricia Weerakoon on Making Love, Peter Janetzki on Raising Girls, Chris Pine on Parenting the Digital Generation, Glenn Hohnberg on Leadership that makes a Difference, Carolyn Russell on Loneliness and Relationships and Joe Wee on the question of Speed Dating as a shortcut to true love – these are just a sample of what was on offer.

Kids and Youth Connect included a daily program for primary age kids, called ‘The Quest for the Mighty Night’ and a Youth MegaSportz Day on the Saturday. Each day the kids learnt part of the Bible passage, so by Sunday morning everyone involved could recite 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

All three parts to Community Connect were pathways into church on Sunday. And at church, we were asking where this REAL love could be found. We could see a great description of real love in 1 Corinthians 13.... but who’d seen such love in a real person? The answer given at church was, of course, Jesus: 

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. (1 John 3:16a)  

Everyone who came heard about God’s great love for us in Jesus, who died for our sin and rose again to give us new life. We invited everyone to keep coming to church to hear more about this Jesus.

In the end, we had over 400 adults attend our seminars during the week; over 125 kids at our kids program, over 30 youth on the Saturday, and a packed auditorium on the Sunday morning at 10:30 (a service planted only 3 years ago with 30 people). You're welcome to join us in praising God for his REAL love, found only and especially in the death, resurrection, ascension and impending return of our Lord Jesus Christ, and for the people still coming to church to hear about him.

Here are some more pictures from the week...